I Swear, They Must Pump Tranquilizers into the Air

For a few years in a row, my grandpa was unable to leave the nursing home, so my family would go to my grandparents' for Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving holiday festivities. Inevitably, the day followed the same routine.

Get up. Eat a light breakfast. Drive to parents' house. No one's ready at the time we are supposed to leave. Sit at the counter, surly, because I could have slept later. Remember we need pictures to color. Print coloring pages. Pack colored pencils.

Lauren sleeping in car

Leave 30-45 minutes behind schedule. Gah, really? I could have slept that much longer? Pass out in the car for most of the two-and-a-half hour drive. I cannot stay awake in a moving vehicle, people. Arrive hangry (hungry-angry). Get antsy to eat. Why are we saying hello and wishing everyone a happy day? I just want food! Also, the first indication of airborne tranquilizers hits me as I realize I'm about to collapse I'm so tired. No matter, it's nap time after we eat. Ignore weariness.

fun with food

Go to the dining room! Eat! The food is really good, and the only thing I didn't like about eating at the retirement center is no left-overs. Halfway through the meal, remember how dead-tired you are. Barely waddle back to Grandma's apartment due to fullness and exhaustion. Pass out anywhere--floor, couch, bed; I'm not picky.

Wake up two hours later. Go to activity room where they serve cookies and juice. Color. One of the residents would come up to us each holiday, compliment our drawings, and tell us her mother was an artist. We would offer her a coloring sheet, but she wouldn't join in.

Look at the sun, it's time to go! Convince Mom we need to leave (homework, work, etc). This takes anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours. Try unsuccessfully to wake Grandpa. Say goodbyes. Leave. Pass out in car. Usually, a second bout of hanger would rear its head. Stop at a gas station for beef jerky and white cheddar popcorn. Wake up at parents'. Drive home. Go to bed.

As you can see, there was a lot of sleeping involved. The car nap is just my reaction to being a passenger in any moving vehicle, so ignore that. Every time, we swore the retirement home pumped some sort of sedative into the air. My sisters undeniably felt the tranquilizing effects, as well, and would doze off with me. 

If only I could have stayed awake long enough to find out if there was actually such a somnifacient...I mean, we wouldn't want any fights to break out amongst the elderly.

Merry Christmas...God!

publicdomainpictures.net

The Christmas of my 15th year, we spent the holiday at my grandparents' house. My uncle, aunt, and cousin were also in attendance, and I had to sleep on the living room couch. 

I was not excited about sleeping in the living room because I knew the children (13, 10, and 9) would be up at the butt-crack of dawn, so excited about gifts, and I would want to punch them in the face due to lack of sleep and aversion to chipper people in general but especially to children's laughter at that time of day. Background: at the time, I slept on average 10-11 hours a day.

Of course, when the time came I was grumpy and wanted to sleep more, just like I had warned everyone the night before. As everyone filed into the living room, each greeted me with a jovial "Merry Christmas!" I was going by the 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' doctrine and kept my mouth shut.

"Say Merry Christmas, Monica," my mom ordered. Super-cheerily, I said "Merry Christmas!" Then I followed up with a smart-alecky, meant to be loud enough for everyone to hear under my breath, "God!" 

And to top it off, it's on film.

Interpreting Questions While Sleeping

After a semester in Seville, Spain my junior year of college, a friend and I traveled through Italy. I was responsible for choosing where we stayed in Venice, and I had to keep in mind that we were on a strict budget, between €15 and 20 per person per night. I had already "messed up" on our Rome accommodations, choosing a place that was €50 per night for a 2-bed room--€25 per person was exorbitant.

The places in town were more expensive, what with Venice being an island so having limited options. So I looked outside the city and found a campsite that had cabins. I checked with Laura, and she was leery but eventually agreed.

The train from Rome arrived in the morning in Venice. Then we had to go back out of the city by train to a bus stop, where we got on a bus that went to the campsite. It took 30-45 minutes to get there.

Once we arrived at the campsite, we checked in and were told we were staying in a tent. By then, we were getting hangry, so we didn't argue. The tents were set up on a concrete slab with two cots. 

Rialto in Venice

We stopped at the general store at the camp entrance to get some food. I got some sort of cookies, and Laura got crackers. We ate while bussing and training back to Venice. Then we jumped on the Vaporetto water bus to St. Mark's square. Since we had some cookies and crackers left over, we fed them to the pigeons. Their little claws felt so weird!

feeding pigeons at St. Mark's

After spending the day in town, we trekked back to the camp. There was a party going on at the lodge, with loud music. I passed out as soon as we got there, not caring about the music. During the night, I flipped over. Laura asked, "Are you awake?" "Nope, just turning over," I replied.

The next day, we hopped on a train to Milan. Laura asked if I remembered our conversation. I mean yea, I was just turning over. She. Was. PISSED. She couldn't fall asleep because of the music so laid awake for hours. She got excited when I flipped over that I might be awake, too, and would chat.

When I told her I was not awake, just turning over, she stewed because clearly, I was awake if I could tell her that I wasn't. She had almost forgiven me, thinking maybe I was talking in my sleep, since I do that, too. However, I had confirmed that I had been awake because I remembered the exchange.

In my defense, I was half asleep. My sides get tired when I sleep, so I usually wake up a few times just enough to flip over then fall right back asleep. In the haze of sleep I cannot be expected to interpret "Are you awake?" to mean "I can't fall asleep, and if you can't sleep, either, keep me company." Oops!

The Time We Lost Corinne at the Aquarium

"We Lost" because she had no idea she was lost in the first place. So I can't blame her and say "The Time Corinne Got Lost at the Aquarium" because she wasn't lost; she knew where she was the whole time. But I digress...

The summer after 8th grade, my family vacationed in California. We had fun in the sun, along with some carsickness while driving US 101/CA 1 from San Francisco to Monterey, where we met up with some family. 

We visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I remember they had a big jelly fish exhibit, a place to pet rays, a penguin exhibit, and a tide pool, among others.  

Toward the end of the visit, we were gathering up everyone to go to lunch. Everyone was accounted for, except my 7-year-old sister, Corinne. We went back to the last exhibit, but she was nowhere in sight. Since penguins were her favorite animal, we checked that area, but she wasn't there, either.

My parents decided to have her name announced over the loud speakers. "Corinne, please meet your family under the giant whales." There were two life-size whale sculptures hanging from the ceiling close to the exit. We waited for a few minutes, but she didn't show. They made the announcement again, but still no Corinne. 

We were starting to worry; I mean, she had probably been kidnapped. We had been warned two years previous on our Disney World trip that people will snatch up children, take them into the bathroom, change their hair color and clothes, and kidnap them. We sent out search parties to look for her throughout the aquarium.

I don't remember how many times her name was announced or how long we waited, but after what seemed like eternity, Corinne comes ambling up to us, like nothing's wrong! "Where have you been?!?" we shrieked. "Uuuhh," she looks at us like we're bonkers, "in the gift shop." For reference, the whales meeting place was immediately outside the gift shop, so clearly, no one had thought to look for her there. 

It ends up, she went into the gift shop, thinking that's the natural end to a day at the aquarium. To her credit, it was in our family--we love souvenirs, or at least browsing through knick knacks, trinkets, and other kitsch. So how no one considered she might be there, I'll never know. 

She actually heard announcements over the loud speakers. "I always listen to those things, but they are never about me, so I'm not going to listen to them any more," she reasoned, continuing to browse. Oh, the rational mind of a 7-year-old.

She was scolded, and the three of us girls were instructed to always listen to announcements because you never know when one will be about you.