I Swear, They Must Pump Tranquilizers into the Air

For a few years in a row, my grandpa was unable to leave the nursing home, so my family would go to my grandparents' for Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving holiday festivities. Inevitably, the day followed the same routine.

Get up. Eat a light breakfast. Drive to parents' house. No one's ready at the time we are supposed to leave. Sit at the counter, surly, because I could have slept later. Remember we need pictures to color. Print coloring pages. Pack colored pencils.

Lauren sleeping in car

Leave 30-45 minutes behind schedule. Gah, really? I could have slept that much longer? Pass out in the car for most of the two-and-a-half hour drive. I cannot stay awake in a moving vehicle, people. Arrive hangry (hungry-angry). Get antsy to eat. Why are we saying hello and wishing everyone a happy day? I just want food! Also, the first indication of airborne tranquilizers hits me as I realize I'm about to collapse I'm so tired. No matter, it's nap time after we eat. Ignore weariness.

fun with food

Go to the dining room! Eat! The food is really good, and the only thing I didn't like about eating at the retirement center is no left-overs. Halfway through the meal, remember how dead-tired you are. Barely waddle back to Grandma's apartment due to fullness and exhaustion. Pass out anywhere--floor, couch, bed; I'm not picky.

Wake up two hours later. Go to activity room where they serve cookies and juice. Color. One of the residents would come up to us each holiday, compliment our drawings, and tell us her mother was an artist. We would offer her a coloring sheet, but she wouldn't join in.

Look at the sun, it's time to go! Convince Mom we need to leave (homework, work, etc). This takes anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours. Try unsuccessfully to wake Grandpa. Say goodbyes. Leave. Pass out in car. Usually, a second bout of hanger would rear its head. Stop at a gas station for beef jerky and white cheddar popcorn. Wake up at parents'. Drive home. Go to bed.

As you can see, there was a lot of sleeping involved. The car nap is just my reaction to being a passenger in any moving vehicle, so ignore that. Every time, we swore the retirement home pumped some sort of sedative into the air. My sisters undeniably felt the tranquilizing effects, as well, and would doze off with me. 

If only I could have stayed awake long enough to find out if there was actually such a somnifacient...I mean, we wouldn't want any fights to break out amongst the elderly.

Merry Christmas...God!

publicdomainpictures.net

The Christmas of my 15th year, we spent the holiday at my grandparents' house. My uncle, aunt, and cousin were also in attendance, and I had to sleep on the living room couch. 

I was not excited about sleeping in the living room because I knew the children (13, 10, and 9) would be up at the butt-crack of dawn, so excited about gifts, and I would want to punch them in the face due to lack of sleep and aversion to chipper people in general but especially to children's laughter at that time of day. Background: at the time, I slept on average 10-11 hours a day.

Of course, when the time came I was grumpy and wanted to sleep more, just like I had warned everyone the night before. As everyone filed into the living room, each greeted me with a jovial "Merry Christmas!" I was going by the 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' doctrine and kept my mouth shut.

"Say Merry Christmas, Monica," my mom ordered. Super-cheerily, I said "Merry Christmas!" Then I followed up with a smart-alecky, meant to be loud enough for everyone to hear under my breath, "God!" 

And to top it off, it's on film.

Interpreting Questions While Sleeping

After a semester in Seville, Spain my junior year of college, a friend and I traveled through Italy. I was responsible for choosing where we stayed in Venice, and I had to keep in mind that we were on a strict budget, between €15 and 20 per person per night. I had already "messed up" on our Rome accommodations, choosing a place that was €50 per night for a 2-bed room--€25 per person was exorbitant.

The places in town were more expensive, what with Venice being an island so having limited options. So I looked outside the city and found a campsite that had cabins. I checked with Laura, and she was leery but eventually agreed.

The train from Rome arrived in the morning in Venice. Then we had to go back out of the city by train to a bus stop, where we got on a bus that went to the campsite. It took 30-45 minutes to get there.

Once we arrived at the campsite, we checked in and were told we were staying in a tent. By then, we were getting hangry, so we didn't argue. The tents were set up on a concrete slab with two cots. 

Rialto in Venice

We stopped at the general store at the camp entrance to get some food. I got some sort of cookies, and Laura got crackers. We ate while bussing and training back to Venice. Then we jumped on the Vaporetto water bus to St. Mark's square. Since we had some cookies and crackers left over, we fed them to the pigeons. Their little claws felt so weird!

feeding pigeons at St. Mark's

After spending the day in town, we trekked back to the camp. There was a party going on at the lodge, with loud music. I passed out as soon as we got there, not caring about the music. During the night, I flipped over. Laura asked, "Are you awake?" "Nope, just turning over," I replied.

The next day, we hopped on a train to Milan. Laura asked if I remembered our conversation. I mean yea, I was just turning over. She. Was. PISSED. She couldn't fall asleep because of the music so laid awake for hours. She got excited when I flipped over that I might be awake, too, and would chat.

When I told her I was not awake, just turning over, she stewed because clearly, I was awake if I could tell her that I wasn't. She had almost forgiven me, thinking maybe I was talking in my sleep, since I do that, too. However, I had confirmed that I had been awake because I remembered the exchange.

In my defense, I was half asleep. My sides get tired when I sleep, so I usually wake up a few times just enough to flip over then fall right back asleep. In the haze of sleep I cannot be expected to interpret "Are you awake?" to mean "I can't fall asleep, and if you can't sleep, either, keep me company." Oops!

The Time We Lost Corinne at the Aquarium

"We Lost" because she had no idea she was lost in the first place. So I can't blame her and say "The Time Corinne Got Lost at the Aquarium" because she wasn't lost; she knew where she was the whole time. But I digress...

The summer after 8th grade, my family vacationed in California. We had fun in the sun, along with some carsickness while driving US 101/CA 1 from San Francisco to Monterey, where we met up with some family. 

We visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I remember they had a big jelly fish exhibit, a place to pet rays, a penguin exhibit, and a tide pool, among others.  

Toward the end of the visit, we were gathering up everyone to go to lunch. Everyone was accounted for, except my 7-year-old sister, Corinne. We went back to the last exhibit, but she was nowhere in sight. Since penguins were her favorite animal, we checked that area, but she wasn't there, either.

My parents decided to have her name announced over the loud speakers. "Corinne, please meet your family under the giant whales." There were two life-size whale sculptures hanging from the ceiling close to the exit. We waited for a few minutes, but she didn't show. They made the announcement again, but still no Corinne. 

We were starting to worry; I mean, she had probably been kidnapped. We had been warned two years previous on our Disney World trip that people will snatch up children, take them into the bathroom, change their hair color and clothes, and kidnap them. We sent out search parties to look for her throughout the aquarium.

I don't remember how many times her name was announced or how long we waited, but after what seemed like eternity, Corinne comes ambling up to us, like nothing's wrong! "Where have you been?!?" we shrieked. "Uuuhh," she looks at us like we're bonkers, "in the gift shop." For reference, the whales meeting place was immediately outside the gift shop, so clearly, no one had thought to look for her there. 

It ends up, she went into the gift shop, thinking that's the natural end to a day at the aquarium. To her credit, it was in our family--we love souvenirs, or at least browsing through knick knacks, trinkets, and other kitsch. So how no one considered she might be there, I'll never know. 

She actually heard announcements over the loud speakers. "I always listen to those things, but they are never about me, so I'm not going to listen to them any more," she reasoned, continuing to browse. Oh, the rational mind of a 7-year-old.

She was scolded, and the three of us girls were instructed to always listen to announcements because you never know when one will be about you.

Dominican Safari: A Most Random Assortment of Activities

On our second day in Punta Cana, Lauren and I went on a "safari." The all-terrain truck picked us up in front of the hotel early...well, for vacation that is.

There were already a bunch of people on board, and we went to another resort to pick up a group of eight, filling the truck. However, the last seats were split, six in the back and two in the front. The people exiled to the front persuaded people from the back to switch with them so they could all be one big happy family together. "Oh, good! We thought we lost you!" squealed one girl. *Eye roll* by Lauren and I. "It looks like we're going to be the rowdy ones, this time," announced a guy in that group. Fan-freaking-tastic.

The truck drove to the entrance of another resort and called six people, including Lauren and I, off the truck. The other four people only spoke French. Just as I was asking Lauren why we were being banished since we're not French, the guide asked us what language we spoke--English and Spanish. "Ok, that's fine. You stay here." Then the truck drove off. Yes, drove off, leaving us stranded by the side of the road. Uuhhh...great, we're going to die.

A full five minutes later, another truck showed up. Foof, not going to die! More importantly, we didn't have to spend the day with the obnoxious group. 

Lauren on the truck

Our truck had a driver, a tour guide, a videographer, and a bartender. The guide spoke French, Spanish, and English, so that's most likely why the French speakers were transferred. He repeated everything in all three languages, but I think I understood the Spanish better than the English. 

As soon as we got on the bus, the bartender yelled, "OPEN BAR!!!" Open bar meant beer, rum, Coke, Sprite, and water. I was leery of drinking on the bus, since I am apt to get car sick. But we were sitting in the front of the truck, and the whole back was open. So I went ahead and tried some "Dominican champagne" (rum and Sprite). Surprisingly, I did not feel car-sick the whole time.

The guide was trying to tell us things as we were driving, but the engine and wind were so loud, we could hear nothing else. The bartender was trying to talk to me, but I couldn't hear him, so I just did my bobble-head impression (smile and nod).

school

First stop was a school sponsored by the tour company. The guide said grades 1-3 attend in the morning, and 4-6 in the afternoon. Now, I have no idea how those children learned anything because if they have tour groups in and out all day, every day, there's no learning going on. For the sake of the children, I hope they sponsor more than one school and rotate tours throughout the week. 

San Dionisio

Then we went into Higüey to see a couple of churches. Normally, I'm not big on visiting churches. I can see one or two before they all start to look the same, but there were only two on the schedule, so I survived. San Dionisio was celebrating its 500th anniversary and is one of the oldest churches in the Americas. The tile work reminded me of the Alhambra in Granada, Spain...

Alhambra tiles

San Dionisio tiles

Today's history lesson: In 711, Muslim Moors invaded Spain, bringing with them the Islam religion and Arabic architecture. Because depictions of animals and humans is discouraged in Islamic art, geometric tile-work is prevalent throughout their architecture. So the tile-work was imported by the Moors into Spain, and the Spanish brought the tile-work to the Americas. "THIS is why you study a language!" Lauren stated, not only to speak the language, but also to learn history and culture. To conclude, the Spanish fought back and reconquered Spain, finally kicking out the Moors in 1492. 

Basilica

We also went to the Basílica Catedral Nuestra Señora de la Altagracia, which was built in the 1970s. Instead of seeing the Virgin, I had to pee. There was an attendant who handed me three squares of TP on my way in, but of course, there was no toilet paper in the stalls. As usual, though, I was prepared with travel tissues. By the time I was done, those who had gone into the church were already exiting, so it can't have been that exciting. 

sugarcane field

Our next stop was a plantation, where they grow coffee, cocoa, and sugar cane. There were large concrete slabs out front for drying out the coffee and cocoa beans. We got to try freshly ground cocoa mixed with sugar from the sugar cane. It was heavenly. They also cracked open a couple cocoa pods so we could try the fresh cocoa beans.




Lunch was at a ranch. There was a cigar rolling demonstration before eating. After the meal, there was the option of a horseback ride. Lauren went ahead, but it was hot and humid, so riding a horse did not sound fun at that point. Also, I heard the hammock calling my name for a siesta.

Frank at Macao

The last stop was Macao beach, which is undeveloped, in that there are no resorts built there. I hate sand, so I stayed on the bus and got hit on by the bartender. There was a child playing in the sand next to the bus. She had a cup and was pouring sand all over herself...on her legs and arms, in her hair. I was just glad I wasn't the one with sand covering my body. *shudder*


 


We were exhausted when we got back to the resort, so we promptly took a nap. Any day where I can have one nap I consider a success, so two naps was trophy-worthy.